Supreme Court rules in favor of telling your grandkids to ‘suck it’
In a landmark decision this week, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Florida woman who is suing young people for wanting the future to be different than the past. The decision, written by Justice Brett Kavanaugh on the back of a bar napkin, begins with a lamentation of “simpler times” — when gay people didn’t exist, women hadn’t yet learned how to speak, and delivering milk was still a full-time job — before staggering its way onto a second napkin to take aim at an unnamed bartender who had clearly just spurned Kavanaugh’s advances.
Nanna v. Those Little Shits comes amidst an onslaught of challenges to progressive policies past and present. Earlier this year, the Supreme Court ended affirmative action in college admissions, telling minority students they’ll “just have to leverage their private school education and family connections into a degree from Yale Law School like everyone else.”
“Kids these days are so entitled. It’s always ‘give me this, give me that’ — they never want to work for anything,” Nanna griped to us from the four-bedroom home she purchased for $20,000 in 1970. “We paid our way through college working at the school library; they want it to be free. Free! Can you believe that?” She shook her head, determinedly rifling through a pile of mail on her kitchen table. “Where’s my Social Security check?!”
The conversation took a troubling turn once Nanna spotted the multiracial family across the street, so we headed to a local coffee shop to get reactions from the city’s youth.
“Oh, no! I hope they don’t take my house!” laughed one patron on their way out the door.
“They’d have better luck robbing that tip jar,” smirked another.
“Oh, come on, that’s my whole life’s savings!”
Then came a slew of logistical questions we were not prepared to answer, so it was back to Nanna’s house for coffee, biscuits, and spiteful jabs at the nation’s grandchildren.
