World Health Organization tells anxious insomniacs to ‘get some sleep, or you’ll get cancer’
As part of its recent rebranding as “WebMD but with less authority,” the World Health Organization has taken it upon itself to inform the public of yet another way your brain is committed to giving your body cancer — by disrupting your circadian rhythm.
“I think we all know how important a good night’s sleep is,” WHO Director General Dr. Tedros Ghebreyesus said in a statement, simultaneously taunting the world’s insomniacs and flaunting the wealth of knowledge that a medical degree will grant you, “and according to new research, the consistency of our sleep schedule is just as important as the amount of sleep we get.”
As the only news site spawned directly from a 2 AM existential crisis, The Uppercut is committed to informing our readers about all things sleep, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to let you hear this news from a bunch of coffee drinking worm munchers, so we analyzed our site usage to determine our most anxious and sleep deprived readers to make sure they heard it from us first.
“Goddammit, I just fell asleep!” responded Alex Mitchell of Fairfield, Connecticut, when we called him at his usual midnight reading time, hanging up the phone before we could warn him of the dangers of disrupting his circadian rhythm.
Bianca Jimenez, on the other hand, was wide awake and in the middle of giving herself a sporting, new haircut when she picked up our call at half past three on a Monday morning.
“Great, and here I thought it was just my phone, laptop, TV, and microwave that were killing me,” she mused, sighing dejectedly. “Wait,” she continued, an anxious quiver creeping into her voice, no doubt caused by the WHO’s callous prediction of her impending doom, “how the fuck did you get this number?”